*Disclaimer: this is a work in progress and a momentary snapshot of my thoughts on some highly interesting subjects. If you think I went totally off the rails, get in touch and let’s discuss. *
I’ve long wanted to write about my perception of love and ego. Of course it is perhaps one of the most delicate subjects there is. Therefore, I want to make sure that I am not misunderstood, or if so, that you at least won’t walk away with the idea that I am totally ignorant or completely wrong in my experiences and beliefs. I want this entry to be understood as a chance to learn what glasses Vinz sees the world through. Or to that extend, at least a glimpse of how I see the world. I would never claim for what is written here to be ultimate truth or anywhere close to it. Please understand this as an exercise in empathy and an invitation to discuss with me over a drink of your choice. But before I dive in, please feel free to listen to this song, as it sums up what I could possibly only clumsily describe in this paragraph.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uoHcbVJWIW4 Enter Shikari’s The One True Colour
The theoretical basics
If you’ve ever talked with me, chances are that I took the opportunity to spill my acquired theoretical wisdom over you, probably pretty unceremoneously. What I would have meant by said monologue is actually pretty simple: that the basis of our universe are atoms and that the basic characteristic of atoms is movement. Subsequently we can agree that nothing ever is solid, even if it appears to be so. You can very easily test this by contemplating your own body. With a mind that is not particularly trained to reach high levels of concentration, an easy task could be to eat a chili and then see what happens with your physical structure. Most likely you will experience a burning sensation, heat and discomfort to a notable degree. The better your concentration, the easier you might find it to feel bodily senstations, even very subtle ones. These are the atoms moving throughout your body, the atoms you borrowed from the cosmos, to paraphrase the song above.
Our ego is developed, not natural
Whether we see ourselves as a non-egoistic person or not, we all do show signs of egoistic behavior from time to time, or maybe even very often. While there are humans who show very little signs of selfishness, I believe that there are hardly any people who can truly say that they are not egoistic at all in their life. This is because we have learned to develop this selfishness or egocentric behavior. It is a habit pattern that has little to do with predetermination. Rather, we acquire this trait by conditioning.
When we experience any external trigger through our senses, we do not react to the trigger itself, but actually to the effect this trigger has on our body. Our mind, or cognition in that sense, then reacts to this bodily sensation. This reaction, if repeated, will develop into a habit pattern. Let me explain with an example: when a drug addict tells his or her story, we will typically hear that there was some kind of entry level drug the person got started with. Then they would have moved on from that to the next drug, and the next, and the next. Their craving is not for a specific substance, but rather for the sensation the substances cause in their physical structure (I deliberately say physical structure, as chemical reactions in the brain, e.g., are still physical phenomena in my limited capability of understanding). You can move this analogy to many other very obious habit patterns/addictions, like shopaholicism or other forms of always wanting more and more. Your mind will always react to the physical sensation that comes with an external trigger. These habit patterns that we develop over decades, are deeply engraved in our subconscious.
There is no true love for someone else without working seriously on yourself
And so, working and mastering your mind to a large extend means to work with your subconscious habit patters that have the power to take over your whole life. It means to work with your feelings and bodily sensations. This is something that I observe within myself and other people a lot. When something doesn’t go our way, when reality does not conform with our projections on and wishes/needs for it, then we become tense. We experience such a state as distress and are at dis-ease with lots of very heavy and solid sensations and feelings arising in our body. Of course this works the other way around as well. As we experience joy, victory, luck and all of the rest as things go our way, our feelings will be light-hearted and sensations pleasent, almost as if we’re completely one with the wave of life. In short, we tend to show aversion to the first scenario and attachment or longing to the latter, to lesser and more degrees. Now this is where love comes into play.
Often times in love, disharmony or disbalance arises when our expecations and wishes don’t work out the way we want to. Our partner may not have acted as we expected to, he or she may not have satisfied a need that can sometimes be very real and important to us, but is not recognized as such by our partner. We say: ‘If only the wife could change a little, everything would be better.’ You can probably think of many other similar scenarios already. The problem with that is, that 100% of our misfortune or suffering in those situations lies with us, not with the partner. That is, because we invest ourselves in the expecation or wish to manifest itself in reality. At the same time we should ask ourselves, why we project these wishes and needs onto our relationships. This is where struggles for energy and chemistry come into play. When we expect and demand certain things from a relationship, we are starting to pull energy our way. I think it is safe to say that we have all experienced that already and that it is a challenge from time to time, to navigate these situations together. It can be a sign of strength and trust between two entities in a relationship, that is for sure. But is that the ideal scenario for love?
Quick side note: I want to stress the point that no being should take responsibility for what another being does or says or thinks. Violence can never be the answer. I am trying to stress the point that while most of the time we cannot control the way another being acts, we certainly have a responsibility to not act in the same way and to make sure we work with our own emotions and mental health. That should be each of our contribution to a more peaceful society.
Love should be a one-way-street. All giving, no taking.Unknown
Here’s my - maybe utopist - idea of love: love in its purest form is characterized by being a one-way-street. There can be no taking, no wrestling for energy. We should develop the capacity and peace within ourselves to give freely, never to expect anything, but rather to bathe in the beauty of surprise, as the other individual gifts you their energy. It’s as simple as that.
‘If I like the idea, how can I sign up for it?’
There’s many ways to get there and I guess each and everyone has to find their way to it, be it music, meditation, yoga, drugs or else. But I think that the key to getting there is to work with your habit patterns that you developed over your whole life. If you can recognize them and the feelings and sensations that come with them, you can learn to tame and control them, and maybe even dissolve them. When you are able to do that, you will notice how much energy they drained and how much of it you have now available. It will give you the capacity to show more empathy and patience with other people and that you are genuinely able to share more of your good energy, your good vibes freely with other beings. People will notice that. And maybe then, love can also become a one-way-street for you. No more taking. Just giving, giving, giving. But properly, decently, lovingly. But you have to dare to make the first move.